FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> RE: Christmas Party
> DATE: December 1
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> December
> 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
> No open bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
> traditional carols... feel free to sing along, and don't be surprised
> if
> our
> CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
-------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 2
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees.
> We
> recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
> with
> Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
> we're
> calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
> who
> are
> celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 3
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> happy to
> accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
> "AA
> Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> this?
> Somebody?
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 7
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking
> during
> daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
> a
> luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
> beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
> end of
> the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
> everything
> for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
> arranged
> for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert
> buffet
> and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did
> I
> miss
> anything?
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 8
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice what do you expect me to do,
> a
> tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
> burning
> of
> sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try
> to
> accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
> Okay???
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> Date: December 9
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
> up
> like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
> "Satan,"
> there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
> It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds
> over
> the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
> lighten up?
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 10
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> this
> party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you
> can
> sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
> quaintly put it, and you'll get your stinking Salad bar, including
> hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too.
> Tomatoes
> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them
> scream
> right now!
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> DATE: December 14
> RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
> from
> her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
> her
> at
> the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
> Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
> full
> pay.
>